Can I just say.....

As the reality of Gotcha day with Ava inches closer and closer…. I have to admit that….. although I am full of excitement, anticipation and LOVE LOVE LOVE...a large part of me is shakin’–n-my-boots scared and worried.

WHY?

It's not the long flights.
The hard beds.
The cold weather. (It's been snowing in Beijing!)
The foreign food.

I am scared because we are facing a reality that I didn’t really think much about with Jake and Kiah’s adoptions. I know I thought about it briefly with Luke and Logan’s adoptions. Luke was 19 months old and Logan was 22 months old at adoption. Luke was closed up in his shell so he did not truly feel all of the changes that surrounded him. Logan was obviously very aware of all that was going on. However, after his initial 2 hour scream fest…. his little personality started to show through and we didn’t experience any other real grieving. It was as if he christened us initially with tears and dry heaving and then… he was done. So… we have been very lucky.


THIS TIME I know it will be different. Because the stark reality is….this little girl isn’t a baby like Kiah and Jake were… and she is not even a toddler like Logan was… she is a preschooler. She arrived at PHF with three other girls when she was just 3 months old. She has been living at PHF for exactly 3 years. She has her friends and the people she perceives as her family.


And she doesn’t know us at all.



And all of the following things are a surety:

She is going to cry.


She is going to scream.

She is going to grieve.


She is going to reject us.

She is going to shout “No” and “Don’t want” in Chinese over and over.

And it is going to be heartbreaking.

I am sure I will attempt to bribe her with candy and toys in an effort to even get her into my arms.


And all of this is totally normal.

But as any adoptive momma can tell you… any type of grieving and rejection is really hard on a momma’s heart. And I’ve been trying to prepare my heart and mind for this for months.

Because the reality is although we have been loving this girl for 28 months…. she doesn’t know us at all. And I realize that all of this is quite obvious. But now we are coming face to face with it. I’ve been praying since February that God softens her heart and prepares her mind. I’ve been praying her adoption disruption did not damage her. I have been praying that God grants me the stamina I need to withstand the potential heartbreak I will feel.

Because I know me.

When she rejects me and screams and cries and tells her nannies that she wants NOTHING to do with us…I am going to feel heartbreak.

And that is normal too.


And this reality keeps me up at night. (Well, that and the fact that United discontinued their non-stop flights from Dulles to Beijing!!!)


I KNOW God’s has been orchestrating the details of this adoption long before August 2007 when I first saw Ava’s face on the PHF website. So her reaction to us, our reactions, our time in China….none of it is a surprise to Him. So, because it is not a surprise to Him I can begin to rest in the quiet assurance that He has everything under control, He has us in the palm of His hand. In His time He will bring peace to her hurting heart and He will grant me whatever I need (soothing, comfort, patience) whenever I need it.


I could not imagine navigating these waters with anyone other than God as my captain. There is a peace that comes from knowing that even facing a tough situation that you have God on your side. And to know that she has been hearing about God for the past 3 years soothes my heart as well. Because it is quite clear that God's fingerprints are all over this adoption.