Connor.
This is the little man that started it all.
Why do I say that?
Because without experiencing Connor we would have been just another family saying “Oh it would be great to adopt but we can’t because we don’t have the time, money, patience, space, money, energy, the paperwork is too difficult, money, I can’t spend 14 hours on a plane, we don’t have a big enough vehicle and _______________. Continue to fill in the blank.
I just KNOW that would have been us. Not the people we are right now.
Connor made us realize what we COULD do. And what we SHOULD do. And what we NEEDED to do. Not because it was a "Plan B". Cause I don’t believe in that. I believe God has you right where He wants you. God used Connor to open our hearts to HIS Plan A. Not OUR Plan A. Cause those 2 things can be very very different.
I’ve posted about Connor before
here and
here.
As a quick recap, in February 2000 we found out we were pregnant with TWINS. TWINS!!!!
I WISH we had some cute story about taking a pregnancy test, seeing 2 pink lines, trotting into the doctor’s office with faces all aglow, seeing 2 tiny heartbeats on the ultrasound monitor, Brandon and I embracing and prancing off to celebrate with balloons and party cake. Oh how I WISH that is how we received the news.
Our story is more of a bumpy "can you believe this is happening like this" road.
I kinda *thought* I was pregnant. I mean.... it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how THAT might happen. However, MULTIPLE tests came back negative.
Then more negative tests. And more negative tests.
(Do you know how stinkin’ EXPENSIVE those at-home pregnancy tests are!!!)
(Crossing into TMI territory here)
I then started bleeding…. heavily.
After a couple of days I decided to go to our family doctor who told us to go to the hospital. After sitting in the waiting room for a LONG time we were taken to an exam room, blood was drawn and shortly thereafter we are carted off to the ultrasound room. At the time I remember being confused as to why we were going to ultrasound since not ONE of the friendly doctors or nurses had come back to have a conversation with us or give us the results of the blood draw. The ultrasound tech is handed our chart and told to do an internal ultrasound.
Internal? OH joy.
As he begins the scan he turns the screen AWAY from us and proceeds with the ultrasound. I got the feeling that he thought the ultrasound was not going to go so well. At this point I had my mom in the ultrasound room with me. It’s pretty quiet. A eerie uncomfortable quiet. I didn’t even try to make small talk. I mean what do you say during an internal ultrasound???
About 5 minutes into the scan he all of a sudden flips on the sound and we hear a heartbeat… a really fast heartbeat. I am stunned so I ask “Is that my heartbeat?”
Very matter-of-factly he says… “No, that’s your baby’s”.
What follows is: Disbelief. Excitement. Anxiousness. Fear.
And why the heck did 10 pregnancy tests come back negative???!!!!
We are told that I am having a probable miscarriage and that they simply can’t stop something that may be inevitable. I am instructed to go home and make an appt with our “regular” OB/GYN. It's no secret that I don't visit the doctor unless my arm has been sawed off so I didn’t have a "regular" OB/GYN. I immediately call our family doctor and take a reference from him then make an immediate appt.
The bleeding never stopped.
After meeting with the doctor and reviewing the medical information from the hospital, we are scheduled for an immediate ultrasound. Brandon was not able to get off of work with such short notice. Things don’t work like that at his job. So my mom goes with me to the appt.
(Can I just take a moment to say I LOVE MY MOM!!!!)
The doctor does a more in-depth screening and within a few minutes we find out that there are twins. TWINS! They are fraternal and based on the current situation it was clear that we were losing the first twin… a little girl we named Samantha Leigh.
The remaining twin was a little boy that we named Brandon Connor. He is named after his daddy in the same manner his daddy was named. My husband is called by his middle name not by his given first name so we decided to continue that tradition.
I have posted several times about how the pregnancy proceeded. Not so well, constant issues and it ended with a diagnosis of placenta accreta, a trial procedure called a uterine embollization followed by a partial hysterectomy and Connor’s premature birth.
He was only 18.5 weeks gestation and did not qualify for any medical treatment or life saving measures.
He was such a little man. Just 8 1/4 inches long and 6.9 ounces.
But God used him in a BIG way. In the
BIGGEST way.
His size may have mattered to the doctor’s who said he was too young for intervention.
But to God… it doesn’t matter how big you are.
God used this little tiny boy to spark a fire in us. A fire for orphans.
God used Connor’s life to show us what we were missing and what He wanted us to do.
God used Connor to bring adoption into our hearts.
The name Connor is Gaelic and means strong willed and wise.
Connor did exactly what God asked of Him.
He entered our lives for a brief time… being a sweet gift from above and then He went home to be with the Lord… leaving a huge hole in our hearts. A hole that God would fill with the love of orphans. One that God would fill with a house full of children.
In May it will be 10 years since Connor was born into Heaven.
The last 10 years hasn’t been all cakes and ice cream. There has been deep depression, feelings that God abandoned us, lots of questions, reconciliation with God, believing again, the path of building faith, then Jake and Kiah. Followed by the realization that "THIS IS WHY IT HAPPENED". Then Luke, Logan and Ava and ____.
Cause our hearts are always open to ______ if that’s what God wants us to do.
With the realization of "THIS IS WHY IT HAPPENED" has also come a change in vocabulary.
When we lost Connor we always talked in terms of “should’ves” or “supposed to”.
Connor should’ve been with us on vacation.
Connor should’ve been playing little league.
Connor was "supposed to" be ___ years old this year.
About 5 years ago I stopped using the word *should've and supposed to* when talking about Connor.
That word denotes a sense that there was an initial plan (for Connor to be born a full-term healthy baby and live here with us on earth) and that his unintended death changed our course. The words “change course” mean that we were supposed to be doing “something else” but because “this happened” we were forced onto “another path”. I don’t believe that. I believe what happened was the right course regardless of the pain and suffering, the wondering and questions, the agony and despair. This wasn’t a surprise to God.
So I don’t use the words should've or supposed to. He was pre-destined to be exactly where he is. His job was to come and to show us something and then to leave.
He had a BIG JOB because truth be told… just 3 months before finding out I was pregnant, if you would have asked I would have told you I didn’t WANT MORE KIDS!!!!
I had told everyone I WAS DONE!
So this Snapshot Sunday is about the little boy God used to start it all.
Brandon Connor Baker
Born Into Heaven 5/2/00
